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Teach yourself Cat Language
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The following advice (not to be taken seriously) was sent by a visitor.
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A TABLET:-
- Pick up the cat and cradle in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigourously.
- Remove cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
- Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.
- Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down the throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink a beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.
- Ring for fire brigade to retrieve the cat from the tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie the little so and so's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.
- Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to hospital. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.
- Arrange for the RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local sanctuary to see whether they have any white mice!!
How to give a dog a pill :-
- Wrap it in bacon